I’m not always a big fan of clichés, but “the light at the end of the tunnel” concept is one that we should all try to focus on during times of hardship. A colleague recently said to me, “Knowing YOUR luck, it’ll be a train coming the other way!” During recent times, those who know me may have seen me as being unlucky. I don’t see it that way. If you have the right mindset you can keep things in perspective no matter what you are going through, within reason.
There is no denying that it has been tough. But I don’t have the monopoly on hardship. When I look around me I see all kinds of hardship. I see much greater hardship, and being able to keep things in perspective is key. Nonetheless, watching my mother pass away, losing my marriage, my beautiful home in the countryside, all within a very short space of time, plus all the knock-on effects of these things and all through no fault of my own, has been an extremely tough burden to bear. All this was compounded by a spreading of rumours that I’d been suffering from a fictitious mental health condition which caused me to make the decisions that I’d made. It was sinister, cruel and vindictive, but I simply was not prepared to sell my soul. I did, of course, suffer a mental health condition, but only as a direct result of the hand that I’d been dealt at the time and the decisions that I’d been effectively forced to make. Depression was always going to be an inevitable by-product of the carnage that had resulted from these devastating events.
Two years have passed since my world was cruelly shattered into tiny pieces. “Baby steps,” I was told, was all I could focus on at the time. That was all I was capable of. “It WILL pass,” I was told. I didn’t doubt it, but that concept didn’t even scratch the surface of the overwhelming task ahead of me on my journey to recovery.
It’s now two years since I found myself alone in a city centre apartment, with no furniture other than two kitchen stools and a borrowed airbed, with no central heating due to a technical problem, in zero degrees temperature, using a sleeping bag and a duvet. I had a cooker, a few saucepans, two plates, a few items of cutlery and some cups.
When I look back on those dark times, it was as if I’d planted a seed in another garden. It germinated, grew and has now blossomed into a bright new life, with potentially a bigger and better future than I could ever have imagined. I have now sorted every part of my apartment into exactly how I want it to be. I desperately needed to do something about my inherent lack of organisation – something I have always found difficult to cope with. I converted the smallest spare room (it’s a deceptively spacious home) into an office. This has become my control centre. It is the hub of all of my plans, ideas and tasks. Just having this space has changed my world. The build up of tasks and not knowing where to start can add to the stifling constrictions upon your life that often result from depression. A place where you can organise and stay in control of your life is crucial to making big progress and effectively pushing through dark times.
I have booked four week’s annual leave from work, taking up mostly the whole of April. I was aware that my life was turning around for the better. I knew that the coming British Summertime, where we put the clocks forwards one hour to make for lighter evenings, would be a natural fillip to boost my optimism. So I’d had plans to use this period as a springboard to propel my life into an even brighter new dimension.
But life has taken another unexpected turn. The world has been hit by its own tale of trauma and trouble. The entire human population of the planet has had their lives put on hold in one way or another by the coronavirus pandemic. Four weeks of annual leave from work has turned into probably THREE MONTHS of being UNABLE to work! The nature of my job (I don’t talk about it in my blogs) is such that I need to spend significant periods of time in enclosed spaces with strangers – no, I’m not a prostitute! Although I had some plans to do various things, I have been able to occupy myself fully during this period of self-isolation and lockdown. I have everything I need. I’m good at making meals that will last three or four days – well, it’s not hard if you put your mind to it. For the entire period I will be on full pay and I now view it all as an extended break, even though I can’t get out and about to do exactly what I would like to do. It’s all about turning negatives into positives.
It’s a far cry from the plight of many. There are so many people whose lives are being turned upside down. Some are losing jobs, some will face financial hardship for a long time to come, others are losing loved ones to the virus. People are living in fear. But people are also pulling together in a community-spirited way. I have spoken to many old friends and we are planning to meet up more after this pandemic has passed. People seem to be getting closer. Maybe it’s just temporary, but it’s happening.
Although, for many people, this has become a difficult period, I am refusing to let it have this effect on me. I recognise that I’m in a more fortunate position than many. Now that my times of darkness have come to an end, this will become a platform upon which I can build for a much brighter future. If, from my perspective, there could be a perfect time for self-isolation, this is actually it. It will give me more time to write blogs, build my new website and share my experiences. I’ve begun to learn Italian, I plan to learn to tap dance (I have a neighbour who has loaned me tap shoes and he’s going to give me lessons from a safe distance) and I’m turning my sun-facing balcony into a garden for growing fruit and vegetables. It gets so warm there that I’m sure I could easily grow grapes. I can still go out running. I’m working on a project to toughen up my feet with the view of trying out “barefoot” running (I’m not sure how that one will go, but it’s worth a try) to help reduce knee injuries which can caused by running shoes. As the weeks develop, I’m sure I’ll find many other things to do. It’s how my mind works.
The last two years of depression have suppressed my desire for challenges and new horizons. When this pandemic is eventually over, it will hopefully have taught us all many lessons and brought us closer together as a world community. Personally, I am hoping to be on the verge of a brand new, exciting journey.
MARK D PRITCHARD writes... 